Done Waiting.

I find it interesting that on the first of June, I wrote about how I liked the faster paced life that our family had adapted. Then, less than one week later, it was that faster pace and my poor judgement that changed everything and life sort of came to a screeching halt. Didn't write a whole lot this summer. It's a lot harder to let the words flow when everything you're thinking and feeling hurts. It seemed too painful. But then I came across this quote, President Spencer W Kimball wrote about the importance of keeping a journal and said:

"Your journal should contain your true self rather than a picture of you when you are “made up” for a public performance. What could you do better for your children and your children’s children than to record the story of your life, your triumphs over adversity, your recovery after a fall, your progress when all seemed black, your rejoicing when you had finally achieved? Some of what you write may be humdrum dates and places, but there will also be rich passages that will be quoted by your posterity. Get a notebook, a journal that will last through all time, and maybe the angels may quote from it for eternity."'

Without going into great detail, "black" is definitely the word I would use to describe the Summer of 2012. Not every moment of course, I still managed to find a lot of joy in my kids, they are the true "light" in my life, but there was little hope. I have always thought of myself as a positive person, and I tried my best to put on a brave face for my children, friends and family throughout the day. The days were filled with lots of fun activities, we had an amazing/therapeutic time in Vegas, the weather was perfect here all summer, the kids had a blast.  But in my quiet moments, especially alone in the evening, I entered a dark place that I have never been before. It was a place without hope.

And I promise you, that is the worst place to be.

Because when you don't have hope/faith that everything will workout alright, it's hard to put one foot in front of the other. It's hard to picture yourself on the other side of the trial you are facing. Then, along with that loss of hope you feel guilt for not trusting a Father in Heaven who is always in control and who has a plan for each of us. 

I wasn't depressed, had nothing to do with postpartum, nothing to do with my marriage or family. I was mad at myself for a mistake I made and couldn't take back. A mistake with a lot of consequences. And the hardest person to be mad at is yourself. Because the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

But I learned a lot of invaluable lessons these past 5 months that I would never trade for anything. Even if I had to rewind and go through the awfulness again, I think I just might, because the knowledge I have gained made the experience invaluable. And even though it's not over and I'm sure there is more for me to learn, let me make note of what I have learned so far.

Compassion For everyone and everybody. Every story has two sides, every person deserves the benefit of the doubt and don't judge anyone ever. Easier said than done, I know, but man, this is the most important lesson I have learned (and still constantly trying to learn) When you are on the receiving end of mercy, it makes you want to hand it out more freely to others. We all make mistakes. Thank goodness for a Savior.

SLOW DOWN Nothing is more important than your own immediate family. Don't let anything compromise the time you have to spend with them. Not another person, not your calling, your job, not other obligations, not fear of other's judgement, nothing should come before your children and your husband. Each day truly is a gift, enjoy every moment. Do you know you get 940 Saturdays with your child from they day they are born till they turn 18? I've learned to use my time more wisely. 

"Isn’t it true that we often get so busy? And, sad to say, we even wear our busyness as a badge of honor, as though being busy, by itself, was an accomplishment or sign of a superior life. Is it?"

"Doesn’t it seem foolish to spoil sweet and joyful experiences because we are constantly anticipating the moment when they will end?

Do we listen to beautiful music waiting for the final note to fade before we allow ourselves to truly enjoy it? No. We listen and connect to the variations of melody, rhythm, and harmony throughout the composition."

-Pres. Uctdorf

Turn to the Lord That was what kept me going, and I hate that it took a terrible experience to humble me, but it did and it worked. The constant scripture study and prayer have giving me new meaning and purpose. I learned that He knew me really well. He knew my heart and the true sorrow I felt. Darryl gave me a blessing where he mentioned that I needed to know that I was not just praying to no one. Even though it felt at times my prayers weren't being answered in the way I wanted, He was listening. He was real and He was there, and there were many time he made that known to me through some really special experiences I've had and recorded privately. He is real. And he knows who we are.

Pres Uctdorf was my favourite speaker this General Conference. He talked about not waiting to be happy, to enjoy the moment and live in the present. Not waiting till the end of a challenging trial is over to be happy. So I'm not.
He said:  

"'So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness.We do matter.We determine our happiness.

You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness."

I have always been a very happy person, but I have felt (up until recently) that I had to wait for my trials to come to an end before I could truly be happy they was I was before. But after pondering on the words of Conference, I realized that after this trial, there will come another, and another, maybe even more difficult. And the true test of my character will be how I face these trials, whether or not I learn what I'm supposed to from them, and ultimately, and most importantly, if it strengthens my relationship with my Savior.  Because I am going to mess up again. And again. And I'm going to need Him, So I better get to know Him, and how WE work together, or I am never going to make it through this life.

''We cannot go back in time and change the past, but we can repent. The Savior can wipe away our tears of regret and remove the burden of our sins. His Atonement allows us to leave the past behind and move forward with clean hands, a pure heart, and a determination to do better and especially to become better."

I am so grateful that He has wiped away the millions of tears of regret I have cried these pass few months and replaced them with hope. Hope for a brighter day and better things to come. And in the meantime, while I'm waiting, I will be happy.