Sadness

This week I have felt deep loss as a good friend lost her battle with breast cancer. She was an amazing, generous woman. She served and loved everyone she came in contact with. I loved her very much. But I have to say, even though we all have known for the past few months that she wasn't going to make it, when I got the call it was still extremely hard. I have never really had anyone close pass away before. My grandparents are all alive and well, and I don't have much experience with death. And even though she wasn't my closest friend, I have had this dark cloud of sadness follow me this week that I can't seem to shake. I feel so much for her 3 young girls and the wonderful husband she leaves behind. A lot of people at church, including her family and closest friends seem to feel an inner peace and have shown so much strength. But I don't really feel that. I can't seem to stop the tears. I left the funeral reception promptly today because I couldn't really bear it, and I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to continue to be there sobbing, when her husband and friends that were much closer to her than I was, seemed to be coping, sharing fond memories and enjoying each others company. I am dissapointed in myself. I feel like maybe I don't have the faith I thought I did. Don't get me wrong, I know and have no doubt that she is with our Heavenly Father and that we will see her again and that she and her husband and children will be together forever, but that knowlegde did not give me the comfort I thought it would today as I watched her four year old tearfully throw a flower on her coffin. It didn't seem fair. But I do take comfort in the words of President Hinckley. He often talked of how it is ok to be sad when someone passes, and he once spoke of when his sister died and how he "cried as no man should". But it up to me to get on my knees and work it out. I am grateful to see how a loving Father in heaven can bear up his children when they need his help.

So I will try and think of the good times. The fun Primary Presidency meetings when we served together, and making cards and caramels with her. I will think of her everytime I make her Peanut Butter Bark at Christmas, and everytime I go to the Stone Road Mall in Guelph (it was her favourite, I think I saw her everytime I went there) and hopefully there will be another baby in my future and I can use the beautiful baby bassinet she gave me when she was done using it with her girls.

I love you Careylee.